Children & Families

Supporting Children and Families through Grief and Loss

Historically the majority of AHS clients dealt with loss as a result of illness. However, in recent years we have assisted an increasing number of clients who are grieving as a result of sudden or traumatic death such as motor vehicle accidents, work related death and perinatal loss. With this increase in complex grief comes added strain on families as children, teens and parents struggle to process their loss.

One to One Support for Bereaved Children

A child experiences and expresses grief very differently from an adult. Children's experience with grief varies depending on the type of loss and the developmental stage of the child. It is therefore important to identify the best approach based on the particular needs of the child. In addition to companioning we would like to be able to offer, through registered counsellors, play therapy, art therapy and sand tray therapy.

Abbotsford Hospice Society is committed to providing support to children of all cultures and ages. Referrals come from parents, physicians, schools and the Ministry of Children and Family Services. Due to the specialized nature of working with grieving children there are very few resources for bereaved children in the care of the ministry (e.g. limited counselling through Community Services) and AHS provides the only resources of this kind in Abbotsford. Often we are the only constant in a child’s life as they are moved from one foster home to another. Although it is impossible to predict how many children would come through the program, I have decided to break it down as follows:

To support a minimum of 2 children per week individually across 52 weeks we would be serving approximately 300 children. This is not including our groups. This is a very conservative estimate as there are so many children in our community who are receiving no support due to lack of programs.

Teen Grief

Being a teenager can have its challenges and there is increasing pressure on teens to look and act a certain way because of peer pressure or pressure from adults. Adding to these factors, the impact of witnessing a sudden and violent death of a friend, classmate or relative can have an exponentially dramatic effect on that teen. Sometimes that effect can take the form of risky and socially inappropriate behaviour such as drug and alcohol abuse as well as violence against others or themselves.

Abbotsford Hospice Society tailors support for each individual teen once their particular situation has been assessed as well as after discussing with the teen what they would find most useful. Some of the supports include but are not limited to one to one support, telephone counselling, peer support groups and resource materials. AHS has been called on by families, schools and Abbotsford Police Victims Services to facilitate groups and one to one sessions. Although AHS has managed to provide this specialized support with volunteer counsellors, staff and volunteers, the complexity of grief and the increase in sudden deaths will, in the very near future necessitate the training of many more volunteers specializing in adolescents.

As a way of being proactive AHS would like to train groups of teens to be peer support counsellors which in turn would go into schools to train other teens. This would create a continuum of support for teens by teens. These programs would always be monitored by a registered clinical counsellor. Although it is impossible to predict how many teens would come through the program our goal would be to have at least 4 peer counsellors per school in the next year assisting approximately 400-500 teens. History has taught us that teens benefit more from group process then individual talk therapy, although we recognize that some teens may require one to one support.

Supporting Children through Music

The death of a parent, sibling or other loved one has significant impact and a lasting influence on a child's life. There are many difficult questions to answer for children and the necessity to give age appropriate facts and explanations.

A child's grief is complicated because it is linear, circular, and developmental and caring adults can be conflicted and confused when trying to support a grieving child. Often called the "forgotten mourners" children are protected from the truth as adults are afraid to say or do "the wrong thing" and so say nothing at all. Thus, death remains the one thing that has the power to silence us when children need us to be the most forthcoming.

AHS staff and volunteers understand that children grieve as deeply yet differently from adults. The "Supporting Bereaved Children through Music group" is offered twice per month and recognizes the different developmental stages and how children express grief and the ways to help at each stage. Group facilitators use music to connect with grieving and struggling children to allow them an opportunity to tell their stories of loss and grief as well as to explore powerful and confusing feelings and emotions. The free spirited thinking of these specialized volunteers is infectious and inspires others to "think outside the box". They play games, build forts, wear wacky slippers and recently helped the kids to "decorate" our large weeping willow in the back yard. Behind the silliness though is a prevailing essence of caring, understanding and professionalism that make these very special volunteers true leaders in their field.

Typically there are 10 children per group. It is our hope to run 2 groups every week for 8 weeks 3 times per year. Due to the fluidity of children’s groups and how they react to grief we require two facilitators for each session. All facilitators are debriefed by a registered clinical counsellor.

Perinatal Loss

This support group is run by a registered clinical counsellor and co facilitator once a month and provides parents with an opportunity for healing, a safe environment to talk, and share their loss, fear, hopes and dreams. It is offered to parents who have lost an infant to miscarriage, stillbirth or within the first year of life. Pregnancy loss or the death of an infant can be very isolating as parents begin a process of grieving that can include intense feelings of shock, anger, disappointment, guilt, sadness and despair as well as physical symptoms. It is the only one of its kind in the Fraser Valley and clients are often referred by staff at the Abbotsford Regional Hospital obstetrics and emergency departments as well as area physicians, social workers, public health and friends and family.

Each group is open to 12 people for six months and we would like to offer two groups twice a month. The number of people supported could be 48 and also we are hoping to have the flexibility to offer support on an as needed basis for those families who require support during a time when a group is already underway or full.

Expressive Therapies for Children,  Ages 2 - 10

Beginning in the summer of 2009 AHS will offer one to one support for children through expressive therapies like “sand tray”, art, dollhouse, and play. Facilitated by a Registered Clinical Counsellor.

Memory Boxes for Parents

In 2007 AHS embarked on a program to provide "Memory Boxes" for parents to memorialize their babies. These small boxes can hold locks of hair and tiny mementos and they are lovingly hand painted by community volunteers. AHS makes these boxes available to parents in our Perinatal Support Group as well as those who are receiving one to one support. We are conscious that each infant is special and loved, regardless of how long they lived. In addition AHS delivers these boxes to Emergency and Maternity staff for parents who have lost a baby at the Abbotsford Regional Hospital so that the families do not leave the hospital without any representation of their child's life.

Journals and Memory Boxes for Teens

Journaling is one way in which young people may process grief and memorialize those they have lost. The Abbotsford Hospice Society provides journals free of charge to teens through schools, community groups or for pick up at our Resource & Support Centre. A variety of Memory Boxes are also available for teens to collect photos and hold special mementos of the person who has died.

Memory Journals for Children

AHS is in the process of developing a Memory Journal for young children, much like the journal for teenagers. Through pictures, colouring and simple words children are able to process their grief and emotions in a safe and nurturing way with a caring adult.

Care Packages for Kids

Abbotsford Hospice Society provides anticipatory grief support materials for children. The "Care Packages for Kids" include colouring books, crayons and small stuffed toys geared to assist children and families anticipating the death of someone they love.

Overall Community Benefits of the Program:

1. Allows the bereaved to grieve in an individual way at his or her personal pace
2. Assists with adjustment to life after loss
3. Reduces the risk of other illnesses by addressing grief and loss
4. Addresses psychological, social and spiritual issues
5. Reduces emotional suffering
6. Provides an opportunity for clients to connect with others who are grieving
7. Provides connection and support for individuals who are grieving alone
8. Provides services free of charge
9. Provides a continuum of care for families once a palliative family member dies